what is really wrong with me?

im not going to rely on peoples 'opinions' anymore. im going to sit here and figure out what is really going on inside my head.

beginning of this year, my life was picture perfect. in its own dysfunctional way, it was perfect. i had my dougie, althought tht wasnt an honest relationship on my part, i had my two best freinds who mean the world to me. i didnt have all the freinds in the world and i wasnt exactly little miss popular thang, but i was happy. i had a bunch of people who loved me and my family trusted me.

and then summer happened. i heard somewhere on tv that one summer can change everything. and i guess it did. it really did.

first of all, my 'web of lies came undone' and i lost the one person i care about the most in my life (except amal n jpoo). ok, that was all my mistake. i screwed up. then amalynne moved away to malaysia. talk about kicking me when im down. i didnt know how to deal. i couldnt sleep. still cant. i cant go day without having those 'quiet spells' or those 'depression spells'. i feel like i dont even know who i am anymore. i used to be fun. now im just weird.

alayna got mad at us. and she had every right to.

amal+jpoo+smoo=PEM.

i cant stress how much they mean to me. my family has always thought of me as the 'disappointment' as the person who couldnt live up to their expectations. they treat me like crap too. to them its 'oh we're just having some fun with u' but to me it really hurts when they make fun of my weight or the way i look. the way i look, now that isnt my fault. the fact tht im fat, ok yeah maybe thts kinda my fault. ok, thts all my fault. in my family, everyones perfect. therefore, i have to be perfect. i feel like i did somehting wrong by not being beautiful or smart enough for them. they make me feel so worthless. sophie and ainab and the entire family is perfect.and im the one thats not. even my grandmother was ashamed of me. when we go to parties, she'd brag about her two gorgeous gifted graddaughters but not me. now shes dead, and my whole family still brag about those two and every other of their kids. but not me. not even my mom or dad brag about me. i know im nothing special. but ur familys supposed to love u despite that. just becos sophie n ainab are 'american' doesnt mean they r special. for gods sake, being bengali is cooler than being fucking american. they rnt even tht pretty. just skinny. when im skinny i'll show those bitches.

this is why i love my amal and jpoo so much. they dont judge me. they dont expect me to be perfect. they love me just the way i am. to them, i already am perfect in my own way. i love them so damn much. i know im strong. i could risk to lose everything in my life. everything. money, freinds, family.. but i could never live if i lose amal and jpoo. those two mean more to me than my family. they're not only like sisters to me, they're like a part of me. i miss amal so much

dougie, he didnt judge me either.. i used to try to tell him how not perfect i am and he wouldnt listen. he'd be like 'shuttup. ur perfect to me. i love you'. for the first time in the 15 (almost 16) YEARS tht i've been alive, he made me feel beautiful. he wanted to be with me. he loved me so much..

i know he still does. it literally kills me to not know how he is. i miss him so much. i didnt love him cos he made me feel beautiful. i dont want him back for that reason either. im a girl, and yes it felt nice to feel pretty and wanted. but i loved him for being himself. he wasnt one of those guys tht would be a different person to please other people. he was himself all the time and he didnt care what other ppl thought of him. he was sweet, caring, funny, smart, arrogant and totally a sarcastic bastard.. but i loved him. he was/is the perfect boyfreind in his own dysfunctional retarded nerd way.

i've been in love, especially with giant walking talking assholes. but with dougie, i felt like my better half had finally arrived. he completed me. he was my prince charming. the one i'd waited for my entire life.

and thats why i want him back. cos i know no one will ever make me as happy as he made me. and i know hes miserable now. hes just too stupid to realize it. asshole.

amal and jpoo. ahh the loves of my lives. i'd do anything for u guys, u know that. jpoo is the gadha reatardo big hipped smart pateint kid-hating boring careful one. alayna is the sweet loves everybody&everything perfect bodied naturally beautiful hopelessly insecure funny as hell adventourous shopaholic camera whore overreactor one.. and im the tall fat weird funny doesnt give a fuck about anyone or anything unless they r worhty one. togethor we r the lean mean shopping/buttkicking machine. cant live without them..

i've lost practically all my freinds. and im known as a maggi and major bitch in dhaka. and to tell u the truth, im loving my new title. i love being the hearltess bitch. my heart is a gift. i dont just save space in it for anyone. its full now. i dont want to let anyone else in. EVER. AGEN! amal, jpoo take up all the space. and im happy tht way. after everything i've been through, i know im a fighter. u lock me up, and i'll kick ur balls till ur not able to reproduce again. what dosnt kill u makes u stronger right. i dont need my family or anyone else not even a stupid guy to protect me. i can protect myself. by myself i mean amal, jpoo and me.. they r after all a part of me. anybody hurts me, they hurt them. and if anybody dares say or do anything to even a single hair in their body i will take them down. i mean it.

nobody can hurt me thought. even if they try. u cant break a dead heart. i'm kevlar now. im the untouchable.

:D

i've come to realize that i am beautiful. inside and out. i have a great body. its curvy and sexy. inshallah soon enough i'll be skinny but not in an anorexic way. i'll be a real woman. with curves and gigantic boobs. hehe. i have nice skin. all soft. inshallah soon enough the marks will be gone too. my hair is so pretty now. inshallah soon it'll be longer. i have great bone structure. i love it. little by little im starting to love myself... [mashallah]
my heart will be fine in 2 years (inshallah).im happy being a PEM. i can sleep in 2 years.

so to recap how this year ended, everything changed. i grew up. got smart. got hot. put togethor the peices of my heart.

the year ended with my family who currently is always on 'we hate musarrat' mode. but i dont care.
the year ended with only samir as a close freind.everyone else left me. but i dont care.

the year ended with musarrat amalienna and jarifa still being best freinds forever and PEM. and thats all that matters

[yo my little freakettes. im off to cox's bazar tomorrow bright and early. the pem journal will be going with me to document my oh so annoying family vaca. happy new year my babies. mommy loves u amal. granny loves u jpoo.]

i hate you guys.

why dont you guys write nomore ?

what ? i HAVE to start everything?!

God!

this is for the weirdo chinese black ass girl who thinks shes all alone.
her boyfreind is a stupid weirdo. her mommy and her daughter (who is very stupid) miss her like hell but she doesnt get that..
but what can u do about it huh?

well, alayna.. everythings sucky here without u. we changed cos u werent here to slap us back to reality. and ur going all crazy cos im not there to yell u back to reality. or pull u back..

i hate living here without u. and im not going to spend all my life proving to you that i miss u cos i do. and i know u know that. im giving up my whole life for u. i dont wana live till we're finally togethor again.. i just dont. u and jpoo are everything to me. equally. i would die withot u two..

but like i said, i jut cant forget dougie cos i love him.

i hate it when u n jpoo fight. it breaks my heart. and i hate it when u r mad at me.. it breaks my heart every second. its so brutal and painful. i miss u like anything. please talk to me.please dont ignore me. please know tht im always here for u no matter what.. :(

i love you so much amalienna.. i hope one day soon u realize that..